Will I die or survive this?

Fears… the biggest mental distortion that keeps us in an invisible prison created by our own unprocessed experiences, whether from this lifetime or past ones.

At the end, the choice is ours. Do we keep looping in fear, create resentment, and keep suffering or do we face it in any way we can that will allow us to move forward and live life fully? I’ve been looping in fear my entire life, creating a sweet addiction to pain and suffering, because hey, who else could I be if I’m not in this loop? That is the ego’s fear and the antidote to overcoming this fear. Do we allow ourselves to be a different version of what we are so used to? A version of joy, happiness, calm and just being in the pure essence of who we are. Does the ego believe that it will die a certain death if we allow ourselves to face our fears and make the necessary changes to do it? That would be a yes… The self-deception is so real for the ego that it truly thinks it will die the ultimate death if it faces the “dangers” of facing the unknown. It does not believe it could be capable of transforming and changing, it only believes there is true death if it faces the fear.

So, to me, facing a fear is, doing this… sharing my experiences to an unknown audience, opening a door that I have been trying to keep shut for the 38 years I’ve been in this lifetime. To say this is truly terrifying to me, is just an understatement. First of all, I am not a writer, in neither of the two languages I speak. Secondly, opening up to be judged and criticized but also, possibly, praised and admired, is like experiencing true physical pain. Part of me should be used to this but I feel uncomfortable within these two polarities and everything in between when it comes to me showing parts of myself I have only shared with very few people in my life. And family doesn’t count because they don’t even know the full spectrum of who I am… even though they were the first ones who either judge or praised me. Yes, my fears come from these experiences, but they also come from lifetimes of being persecuted and even exterminated for sharing who I was.

I have asked myself, why now? Why share my thoughts to people? Is it my ego needing validation? I sit the era we are living where everybody feels pushed to share their opinions and over share to the point of walking all over free speech with disrespect? The only answer is this nagging feeling and inner pressure to just write, but not only for me, I can do that in a journal. But mostly to share, to put it out there, to see if there are people who are also going through similar experiences as me. When all we have known and learned from our life’s experiences stays only within us without sharing it with the world, it consumes us and turns against us. We may share out of validations from others, but we also share out of seeking that validation within ourselves that allows to ground, in some way, the unexplainable experiences that we have gone through, so that they don’t stay in the mental plane to drives us crazy with the question of was it true or not.

I, as I know many other people, do this to keep ourselves sane in a world that is changing to it’s core and appears to be going mad by the minute. We share because we have the need to find a common ground within our human experience and consciousness, because it’s the only way we will ever know if we are alone or not in our experiences, because we have supressed ourselves and been surpressed by other for so long that having the opportunity nowadays and the easy access to it makes it less scary to do so. The only “punishment” that may come from this in this era is to be cancelled which, who cares, at the end of the day is not like in the past where people were being killed for voicing out their truth.

There are many fears for me to face, many more to overcome, many parts of me to heal. I will get out of this loop of self-inflicting suffering because I choose to live. I will find the way to keep myself sane and my body able to receive all the new changes and Divine energies to come. But for now, I will face the fear of sharing my thoughts, opinions and my heart through this blog, and the many or not so many posts I will be sharing via social media.

It is time, He said… time to give myself permission to show my true self, my essence, and allow whatever to come from it because all that there is in this life are just lessons… this is the biggest soul school anyway.

My next post is something I wrote two years ago when I began having the nagging feeling of creating a blog. It’s funny how we go back to what we wrote and realize that it did not go as expected. But that’s why I’m here, sharing the raw experience of being another simple Human Being.